Time for something new

I once heard insanity defined as continuing in the same course of action and expecting a different result. I guess that means I have been insane for the last several years. The only difference is that it was so much my actions as it was my mindset that was stagnant. I have been going along with a thought pattern about myself that was less than desirable. I have even been going along with thought pattern about God that did no service to either one of us.

I watched the most recent version of Alice in Wonderland with Johnny Depp over the summer with my daughter. I enjoyed the movie with her three times before something in the dialogue struck me. Absolum tells Alice that all he said was that she was "not hardly" Alice when they met in the forest. As she frets over meeting the odious Jabberwocky and all that is expected of the champion status thrust upon her, he tells her she is "almost Alice."

Brewing at the back of my mind was a thought, have I been living as if I were not hardly Fancey. Upon the fourth or fifth viewing (my daughter really loves this movie), I listened as the Mad Hatter tells Alice she has "lost her muchness." When I say I listened, I mean that I really listened. Once upon a time, I had a conversation with my husband about how I was coming back to myself while doing a play at the community college in Cambridge, MN. I hadn't realized until then I had gone anywhere. But that return was short lived. Life intervened, as it so often does. In short, I, like Alice, had felt the pressure of all that was expected of me and lost my muchness.

Now, on the brink of a divorce I am not desirous of, I am gaining back some of my muchness. I am still not hardly Fancey. But I hope to very soon be at least almost Fancey with the help of God - for He's the only one who really could help with this sort of thing. This realization has taken great pains on his part to show me. After an emotional walkabout, I have seen that I really haven't trusted Him totally. But that is for another post.
Fancey